by Suzanne Alderson
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04 May, 2023
I have started to ask myself a question every day: “What do I need?” When was the last time you asked yourself that question? And when was the last time you allowed yourself to listen to the answer? At first, my answers were outlandish and unrealistic: 3 weeks on a Maldavian island, preferably with Pierce Brosnan. A winning lottery ticket. To be a size 12 ( that brought me to my senses!) I enjoyed dreaming of these. It was pure escape as I struggled to connect with what I really needed. We tend to go to the things that we think will make us happy, that we’ve been told will fill that hole within. But actually, do they? Well, for the purposes of research, I am happy to go to the Maldives with Pierce Brosnan and report back. You’re welcome! But of course, what we seek isn’t found in fast fixes. It’s found in the conscious presence of noticing what we feel and allowing whatever that is to be. With time and patience, the answers I heard began to change. I needed stability, connection, compassion. I needed space, permission, time. I needed acceptance and forgiveness and hope. As the days and weeks passed, the answers became more meaningful, more personal to me, and more helpful as I began to consider change. Some days, I needed permission to go to bed at 7.30pm. And I’ve given it to myself. Some days, I needed to allow myself to set down by anxieties and immerse myself in Nigella’s luscious life and language by watching the whole of her series in 2 sittings. ‘I call anything I cut a coin’. ‘Quackling’ for the crispy duck skin was genius! And don’t get me started on meecrowahvay! What joy those words brought. I giggled to myself as I cut a coin of bread, and felt a sense of connection to a world outside of my own. Other days, I needed to take myself off to bed during the day with my headphones and Matthew McConaghey telling me a Calm sleep story of Wonder. No judgement. Just tapping into a pure and necessary need. Each time I leaned into the question of what I, Suzanne Alderson, needed, I found a little more self acceptance, self compassion and self knowledge. And that felt strange. And then it felt good. I understand that when life is hard, our go to is to double down on efforts for everyone else’s benefit. Fix the world and then we’ll have time for us. Worrying more can make us feel that we’re doing the right thing by our families. But actually, by meeting our own needs - sometimes merely by acknowledging them and our right to them - we can be better parents, people and selves. We can be more present, more connected, more alive.