TRIGGER WARNING | TALK OF SELF HARM AND SUICIDE

We see so many amazing posts in the Parenting Mental Health Community, but sometimes one stops us in our tracks, for its raw honesty and articulation of what it can feel like for a parent of a child with poor mental health. This is a read for everyone, particularly friends and family, to build understanding of what this journey can be like. We were given permission to repost this anonymously.

“How lucky that you can stay at home, do nothing so you can from time to time cuddle your daughter, when she is a bit worried” said my friend. 

How lucky…

We had contractors in on Monday and Tuesday drilling walls, so my daughter had multiple panic attacks. I sat with her on a floor desperately guiding her breathing.

How lucky…

She couldn't stay long at school, so I had to drop everything and pick her.

How lucky…

Wednesday was better, we laughed together, and she managed to stay at school and even went for after school maths tuition, giving me a glimmer of hope.

How lucky…

She was tired on Wednesday afternoon, and I spent evening trying to get her to eat just a little.

How lucky…

We woke up on Thursday to the message that her safe person is off sick, so I had to hold her in a huge panic attack for over an hour, promising that I won't send her to school.

How lucky…

In the afternoon, she spiralled and lied down in a pitch-black room. She even sleeps with a light, so my heart was thumping when I frantically double checked if all sharp objects are hidden.

How lucky…

I lied with her in the darkness, listening to her whisper: I am not worthy of living, I can't do it anymore- until she asked me to leave, because being with me made her feel even more guilty. I sobbed on the other side of her doors, praying hard she will get better.

How lucky…

I exchanged many emails trying to arrange someone at school for Friday, after getting another message that her safe person is still off sick.

How lucky…

I took her for an hour to school after lots and lots of reassuring and only because contractors came back. I sat for an hour in the office, just in case, waiting.

How lucky…

I called her CAMHS worker and begged her to talk to my daughter. She did and I get a call back telling me what I should do in case of emergency, because my child is suicidal and may not keep herself safe.

How lucky…

I had to call my daughter's dad begging him to be nice and gentle when he will come home on Saturday.

How lucky…

I had to cancel my night shift, because I was scared to leave her overnight 

How lucky…

I sat awake most of the night, I checked her in her sleep often. I cried, I prayed, I fought my own demons.

How lucky…

My partner came on Saturday, and for a change was nice, joking and she clung to his love with hope. I get to leave a house for a long walk

“How lucky” said my friend “that you get to do nothing all week. I just don't get, why are you always tired? You are so lucky...”